The now ex-mother-in-law of Daphne (48) sometimes called her son five times a day. “She was critical of everything and especially me. I wasn’t good enough for her boy. In the end she got what she wanted: she managed to drive a wedge between my husband and I, our marriage didn’t make it.”

The relationship between mothers and sons is often strong, just like that between fathers and daughters. As a member of the cold side, you sometimes have to work hard to be accepted or make it through family gatherings unscathed.

“The fact that it often chafes between a partner and his in-laws is because you are dealing with two systems that clash: the values ​​and norms of the partner and those of the family,” explains relationship coach Danielle Veenhuizen. “Your own parents can sometimes drive you crazy, but because you know them through and through, you can have more of them than you can with your in-laws.”

Her own mother couldn’t go through one door with her mother-in-law, it was so bad that she had to break off contact. “My mother was not given the opportunity to be a mother herself, my mother-in-law took over everything. Breaking contact is quite a decision, because with that you also reject a part of your partner, and you deprive the children of their grandmother. Because of the bad relationship between my mother and mother-in-law, my parents’ relationship was also very difficult.”

In a split

Anna’s ex-mother-in-law (40) immediately announced when the children were born that she could not count on her as a nanny. “But every time we saw her, she complained bitterly that the grandchildren had a better relationship with my mother, who was always there for us. My ex went along with his mother and reproached me for doing more of my best to improve the bond. His mother increasingly became the subject of our quarrels.”

Parents-in-law are sometimes afraid of losing their child and, especially for parents, letting go of their child can be a very emotional process, says Veenhuijzen. “In principle, children are always loyal to their own parents, which means that they end up in a split if things don’t click between their loved one and their parents. If you notice that the relationship with you and your partner is suffering from the bond with your parent(s)-in-law, you should talk about it.”

“Then enter into a dialogue with your mother-in-law, if possible together, showing that you are a team. Explain to her how you feel about her behavior, without accusations. And suggest how you can improve the relationship with each other. Often people are completely unaware of their behavior. As in any relationship, communication is key.”

Often the basis of arguing lies in the fact that we want to be seen by the other person and walk around with unspoken expectations, says Veenhuizen. “Ask yourself whether it is fair that you expect everything from your in-laws and learn to express those expectations. By avoiding the conversation, or just pointing the finger at the other person, you distance yourself from each other and ultimately kill the relationship. Therefore, dare to show your vulnerability and mirror what you see and feel; what is your role in the relationship and what can you do to improve it? By treating your parent(s) differently, for example by focusing on how important they are to your partner and children, you can improve a lot.”

Keep it respectful

If nothing changes in the relationship, you can do two things: “Either you swallow every time you visit, or you decide not to go with you from now on and not to be there when your mother-in-law comes to visit herself. comes. Explain this drastic choice to your family first. And don’t give up until you’ve tried everything. Only when your mother-in-law’s behavior is really unacceptable can you decide not to see each other anymore. Then don’t throw mud, that won’t do anyone anything. Keep it respectful. It is ultimately much better for your relationship if you can go through the same door with your mother-in-law.”